Doing Wrong Always Feels So Right
by onesieandacalendar
Summary: Maybe the answer was as simple as slowing things down.


Author's Note: This is basically my examination of the idea that House isn't the only screwed up person in the relationship. This is also my way of expressing my extreme disapproval of how their relationship was handled in season seven. I do not, in any way what so ever, think that the pace of anything that happened was appropriate. As a couple who was almost twenty years in the making, they should've spent a lot more time just simply enjoying the fact that they were actually in bed together. I'll stop ranting now, but I just wanted to explain my reasoning for this fic. I have some pending ideas for future Huddy fics, but I wanted to get this out of my system and rid myself of my Huddy fic writing virginity before I actually explored anything deeper.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. If I did, believe me, things would have been completely different.

* * *

_I can guarantee two things in life, one is death and the other is I can change your whole life with one night _

She wishes that her life consisted of more black and white. Instead, she had to experience every contradicting emotion at once. She had to be completely and totally invested in this world of never ending spirals, and although she would never admit it, she loved the rush that it gave her. She can't tell herself that she made the right decision. She can't possibly justify to herself that leaving the person she loves when he's heading down the path that only she can save him from is okay. In fact, she has to admit, she's acting a little selfish. She had never been all that into psych, but a part of her believes that people are drawn to others because they see the parts of themselves that they are too afraid to express. Cuddy shutters at the thought, but she can't ignore it, perhaps she's just too much of a coward to admit her own self fulfilling tendencies.

She must not be that selfish though, because truth is, she feels horrible. Bad enough to warrant to a phone call, she decides. She isn't entirely surprised when it rings eight times before going to voice mail. Knowing House, he's probably on his way to a drug induced coma. It's a thought that Cuddy wants to shake from her mind, but much like the man himself, she just can't seem to get rid of.

Like most things with them are, this is an extreme. When Cuddy realized that the only reason House was able to show up at her side was because he took Vicodin, she had snapped. She had driven to his house without thinking anything over, fueled with anger and the desire to hurt him the way she felt he hurt her.

Just a year ago, the thought of her and House together was merely just a fantasy, or a nightmare, depending on the context. Now, it's controlling every aspect of her life. She can't escape him anywhere. It's almost impossible to think how just one night was the difference between then and now…just that one night that she showed up, the one night that he kissed her, the one night that they ending up in bed together. She knows that regardless of whether or not things will ever work out between them, that night changed her forever.

Twenty minutes go by without any form of communication from House. A little surprised that he can actually ignore her after repeatedly claiming he wants to be with her, she decides she might as well try to go to sleep.

She is, however, surprised when she hears the front door open. She doesn't have to get up to check who it is, though. There's only one person she knows who would make the journey over to her house at three thirty in the morning. She's a little alarmed when he makes his appearance standing in the doorway of her bedroom, he looks disheveled, and he's also not saying a word.

Finally Cuddy decides to speak up, "I'm sorry." Pause. Nothing. "House?"

"I'm never going to be what you need me to be. I'm never going to change, Cuddy."

Slightly taken aback by statement, she admits, "I don't want you to change."

"Then what the hell is this? Why did you break up with me?"

"I don't know."

"You know, Cuddy, you're a lot more screwed up than you know. You wouldn't put yourself through this shit if you were completely sane."

She knew he was referring to everything she could have with a stable man. A man that shows up, a man that takes care of her child and would always be there when she asked. She knew he was referring to Lucas. "Maybe I just got bored."

"Normal women don't get bored when they have the literal perfect man by their side."

"What do you want, House? Do you want me to admit that I'm messed up? Fine. There must be something wrong with me, because every time I tell myself that things between us will be different, but they never are-" He's about to interrupt her so she places a finger up against his lips-"And you know what? That isn't even it, it's the fact that when everything gets to the point where it's all fucked up I'm sitting here thinking about how badly I want to be with you. I want you even more when you're hurting me. How incredibly messed up is that, House? Was that good enough, or should I continue?"

"No. That was good enough."

"You are such an ass."

"And yet, you still want to be with me."

"It's like we're stuck in this never ending fight that neither of us understand."

"Well, maybe it would help if we both knew what we were fighting for."

"I'm not going to try to pretend that I screwed up by ending our relationship, House, but you shouldn't have to get high in order to get over your selfishness."

"And I'm not going to try to pretend that getting high before coming to see you was wrong, but you're not as innocent as you think, Cuddy. Maybe the problem is that you place every ounce of blame on me and never turn to look at yourself. I warned you this would happen, I gave you an out, but you said that you didn't want me to change. You know, you should really start to pay attention to the things that you say, because nine times out of ten they'll come back to bite you in the ass."

There were so many things she wanted to say, or more accurately, yell, but all that she could seem to supply was a weak "okay."

"You only want to be in a relationship with me because you're so sick of your entire life being structured. You want to come home from your ridiculously demanding job wondering if you'll see me that night. You couldn't handle coming home from work every day to find Lucas playing with Rachel in the living room. Think about it, Cuddy. Everyone thought that when we would start to get too close, I would pull away at the thought of a true relationship, but truth is, you were just as scared as I was. You don't know what you want. You can't tell if you want me for the thrill or if you actually just want me."

"Don't be ridiculous, House, you know I actually wanted to be with you. Now you're just trying to push all of the blame off of yourself so that you don't have to realize all of the mistakes you've made."

"I think we've both made our fair share of mistakes in this relationship. Hopefully we can at least agree on that."

"The question is: could we do better? Or are we just completely doomed to fail as couple?"

House shrugs, "I don't know, Cuddy." There's a brief moment of silence before he continues, "I can't promise not to hurt you."

"And I can't promise not to expect too much from you."

"I know."

"This is so tragic that it's almost funny. We both can't be exactly what the other person wants but neither of us will actually walk away."

He thinks about it for second, realizing the truth to her words; he couldn't walk away, even if he sometimes wanted to, because he needs her in his life. "I guess this is what it feels like to actually need someone."

"Gregory House, admitting that he needs someone besides himself, I never thought I'd see the day."

"Shut up." He smiles, relieved when realizing that they can go back to the place where it's acceptable to mess with each other, relieved that even through the yelling and the tears collected in the corner of Cuddy's eyes she can still supply a touch of humor.

Cuddy sighs; she really doesn't want to continue to fight with him. If this is the end of their relationship then she at least doesn't want her last memories of him to include them screaming at each other. She knows it will likely just turn into a blame game of whose fault it is that they're in this situation today, which she feels would be pointless since she has a pretty decent bet on where they went wrong. They jumped right into the relationship after the night she showed up at his apartment, and perhaps they weren't exactly ready for all of that so soon, even if they are nearly twenty years in the making.

It makes no damn sense to her. Almost twenty years and yet the simplest things seemed as though they were coming too fast.

House watches her expression, knowing her well enough to realize she's thinking deeply about something. Suddenly, he knows. "We rushed it." He supplies, with a simple shrug.

Thankful that he feels the same way, she smiles. It seems stupid, really, they both know they want to be serious with each other, but they both also know that they can't just jump right into it. They can't just pretend to ignore all the reasons why they shouldn't be together. They should've worked through them. They should've done a lot of things.

"I fucked up, Cuddy, I really fucked up."

She knows this is his way of saying that he wants to try again, that he wants a second chance at whatever form of a relationship she'll decide to grant him with. "I have a child."

"Yeah, I think I met her once or twice."

"I mean I can't just think about myself here, House. You can't keep coming in and out of her life. It's not good for her."

"Then maybe we should start over. I won't come over until you decide I'm ready to be let back into her life."

She'll admit she's surprised at how mature that statement is, and suddenly she hates herself a little for blaming House for everything that went wrong.

"Fine." She smiles. He retracts himself from the room and she hears the front door close moments later. She decides that it's the perfect resolution, she feels comfortable, and no longer stressed that everything is going to slip out from under her and leave her in this lone world of hurt. Their relationship will never be perfect, hell, most of the time it probably won't even be happy. But the good is worth the bad, and besides, being miserable with him will always be better than being miserable without him.


End file.
